Someone once told me that 'feedback is a gift, you can either choose to use it or throw it away'. I strongly feel that a compliment is also a gift! A gift of words especially for you and this gift is to be used and never thrown away. Accepting a compliment is a sign of someone who is confident and self assured and is often a good way to build rapport with others by acknowledging their compliment of you. Equally if someone gives you a heartfelt compliment shutting them down immediately can have negative effects and may make them feel like their opinion is wrong or not appreciated and can create barriers to communication. Learning how to accept a compliment graciously will not only make you feel happier but will in turn leave a lasting impression on the person paying you a compliment through your positive reaction and genuine gratitude.
Why are we so bad at accepting compliments?
There are a number of theories as to why people find it hard accepting compliments. Reasons range from wanting to appear modest or not feeling as if the compliment is deserved to doubting the sincerity of the person giving the compliment.
A lot of it comes down to how we view ourselves, therefore when somebody’s kind words don’t reflect the image we see of ourselves, we have a tendency to immediately discount them. For example, if someone compliments your appearance on a day you’re feeling unattractive, chances are your initial reaction will be to brush off what they’re saying. Not because you don’t appreciate their view, but because it doesn't fit with your own view of yourself in that moment.
Sometimes we also have a tendency to paint ourselves with a more modest brush because we worry about coming across as being overly confident or arrogant.
Choosing to say “thank you” (and truly meaning it) is one of the most important lessons in becoming more self-confident. We’re often our harshest critics, which is why we can’t always see what other people do, making us less aware of our own beauty, intelligence, talents and kindness.
So how can we accept these beautiful gifts of words?
1. Make eye contact. Acknowledging a compliment is a perfect time to connect with someone. Look the person in the eye when you respond. Doing so communicates sincerity and self-confidence.
2. Say 'Thank you'. So simple but I feel very important. A sincere, unhurried 'thank you' teamed up with a smile and eye contact is sometimes all that is needed. Not only is this a gracious way to acknowledge their words, but also what you’ll notice is an exchange of positive energy and a connection between you and the other person.
3. Less is more! Don't feel the need to explain yourself. For example if someone says your new dress is nice or you look like you've lost weight, you don't then need to say 'oh no I haven't its because my new dress is black so it makes me look thiner'.
4. Dont feel you HAVE to reciprocate a compliment. Only reciprocate when it comes naturally if you have to scratch around for a compliment it can come across as not being genuine. It’s great to turn the love around, but just make sure you’re not doing it at your own expense or being over the top. It potentially diminishes their compliment and makes you look uncomfortable and ungrateful.
5. Fight the urge to downplay a compliment, which may be read as a personal rejection. Downplaying a compliment can sound like 'oh it was nothing', 'its no big deal', and my favourite 'don't worry about it'. Often it was a big deal and took you hours and by accepting the compliment you can also do something that often doesn't come naturally to most of us, which is acknowledging our own hard work and efforts. Take the opportunity to pat yourself on the back for something you worked hard on and turned out to be a success!
6. Spread the love. If someone says that she loves your belt, spread the love by telling her about the great bargain you got and where you picked it up from. If someone compliments how you incorporated humour in the presentation you just gave, let him know how you were inspired by a particularly great speaker you saw last year. This kind of response helps establish a nice connection.
7. Acknowledge others. If other people were involved in what you are getting praised for, share that! First, thank the person, and then tell them who helped you. For example, “I really appreciate you saying that! I worked hard, and I also couldn’t have done it without my team.”
8. Practice makes perfect. Practice with people close to you. Sometimes it’s easier to challenge yourself to accept compliments from those close to you, before moving on to unsuspecting public! Let your family and close friends know that you’re working on accepting compliments so that they can call you out when you slip (or, hopefully, praise you further when you succeed!).
9. Bring your feelings to the table. Sharing feelings is a very personal thing and can sometimes make us feel vulnerable and it becomes easier to do once you have practised accepting compliments and feel more confident doing so. Don't be afraid to say “That makes me feel _______.” Possible emotions could be appreciated, understood, happy, honoured, touched, and so on. Letting someone know how their words made you feel will make them feel more valued. And who doesn’t love that kind of feel-good loop!
Like any habit, it can take time to change your behavior, particularly if you’re having trouble believing what the other person is saying is true. However, by observing how you react each time and being mindful of your actions, it is a habit you can learn to change.
Learning how to accept a compliment graciously and with humility is an important part of strengthening the most important relationship you have – the one with yourself. It is also a way of connecting with those around us who wish to give us the gift of a compliment.
I hope you have found this helpful,
Lucy x
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